by Dr. Ken Canfield
A recent article in the New York Times put grandparenting in the spotlight, and for many it isn’t good news.
The article, titled, “The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent,” details the declining birth rate in America. That’s largely due to more of today’s young adults deciding that they don’t want to be parents because of the rising cost of living (especially housing costs), worries about the current political climate, environmental concerns and fears about the future, or they simply don’t want to have children.
And of course there’s a larger ramification of this trend:
The aging parents of those young adults are considering a future where they will never become grandparents.
As one grief therapist put it, these aging parents “may experience a deep sense of longing and loss when their children opt out of parenthood, even if they understand at an intellectual level that their children do not ‘owe’ them a family legacy.” The Times article is here, and there’s a summary of it here.
As grandparents ourselves, we can all probably imagine living with the idea that a branch of our family tree (or even our entire family line) might not continue beyond our own children. And “grieving” would surely be an appropriate way to describe what people go through in that situation.
For many of us, sharing our heritage and leaving a legacy for future generations is a big motivation during these later years, not to mention the joy we experience from being part of our grandkids’ lives: getting those precious hugs, hearing “I love you, Nana (or Papa),” watching them grow, teaching them skills, and on and on.
So why is this relevant for those of us who are already grandparents?
First, it’s a good reminder to not take our role for granted—it is sacred and priceless. We should be making the most of the moments we have to encourage and influence our grandkids, and really be planning more ways we can bless the generations behind us. Let’s be the very best grandparents we can be with the time we’re given to fulfill that role.
And as we celebrate Thanksgiving here in November, let’s be thankful for the opportunities and joys we do have as grandparents. There are many people who deeply yearn to be in this role but haven’t experienced it yet and may never have the privilege.
Beyond that reminder, there’s another fitting truth for us:
Many grandparents are grieving, even if it’s for different reasons.
For example, some grandparents are grieving because they are estranged from their children and grandchildren and they feel a very real sense of loss since they don’t get to invest in those relationships—kind of like a death without a funeral.
Some grandparents grieve as they watch their grandkids make choices or adopt a lifestyle that they can’t agree with or support, even as they try to keep showing love and acceptance.
We could even say grandparents who are raising their grandchildren full time have reasons to grieve. In many cases they have lost some long-held dreams and goals for how they wanted to spend these later years of their lives, even though they know they’re doing what’s right and what’s best for their grandkids.
What we can take away:
Remember that grief is normal and healthy. Many times what you’re feeling in these difficult circumstances is justified, and it’s often a process that will take time to adjust and make peace with the situation.
You may need support. That could mean renewing your faith commitment, meeting with a trained counselor, talking regularly and possibly praying with other grandparents, or working through it day-by-day with your spouse. (Keep in mind that other family members will process grief in different ways and at different rates than you do, so be sensitive and understanding.)
Keep doing your best as a grandparent. Stay committed to your children and grandchildren. Be available to help where needed. Savor the moments of joy where you can. Despite the pain you may feel, being a grandparent is still a great blessing. As you endure, your example will be one of your greatest grandparenting assets and a positive heritage to pass on to your grands, even through the difficulties.
How have you experienced grief as a grandparent? Share your thoughts and what you’ve learned on our Facebook page here.
