by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
My good friend and colleague Dr. Judd Swihart gave me one of the most helpful ways I’ve heard to describe the difference between parenting and grandparenting. It’s a simple observation based on central themes in the Bible, and I believe it’s a helpful perspective on being a grandparent that can encourage you and strengthen your sense of purpose.
Readers quickly recognize a broad contrast between the Old and New Testaments. The Old Testament emphasizes law — boundaries, structure, expectations, consequences. The big message in the New Testament is about grace — freedom, unconditional love, acceptance. Both are essential concepts that reflect God’s character, but they operate much differently.
Judd’s insight: parenting is Old Testament, grandparenting is New Testament — and if you’ve been both, you know what he means.
What This Looks Like
When we were parents, we were concerned about boundaries, expectations, obedience, and shaping character — all very important for training children in the way they should go. Parents carry that weight of setting structure, holding the line, and teaching responsibility. It’s challenging, but it’s vital, foundational work. Today’s parents deserve a medal for what they do.
Grandparenting is a different story.
As grandparents, we respect and support the parents’ role, and we fall in line with their rules and goals. If we don’t, that relational tension can seriously limit our role in our grandkids’ lives. But within that framework, we bring something else to the table. Love and grace become the driving force of our relationships with our grandchildren — much more of a “New Testament” approach compared to the boundaries and expectations of parenting.
We feel freedom and hope and joy as grandparents without all the pressure we felt as parents. With less of our ego wrapped up in their behavior or performance, we’re more accepting of them as they are. We love them unconditionally. We can be there for them in a way no one else can. We simply love them because they breathe — and that’s a precious gift, both for them and for us.
When It Matters Most
Imagine a teenager who announces at a family dinner that she wants to study art instead of going into business like her parents hoped. Mom and Dad exchange a look. They have questions. They’re thinking about job prospects, student loans, whether this is a phase. Their concerns aren’t wrong; they’re just doing what parents do.
But Grandpa catches her eye across the table and says, “I’d love to see what you’ve been working on.”
That’s it. No lecture. No skepticism. Just interest and support. He might raise a few questions with her later, but in that moment he offered something her parents couldn’t — acceptance without conditions.
This is what grandparents are uniquely positioned to do. We can listen, show love and give them ideas to consider without all the baggage. And assuming our approach to life isn’t that different from the parents’, we’re providing a huge benefit to that family.
Those grace-filled connections become especially important during the teen years, when communication at home can break down and emotions can run high. When the tension between parental structure and a teenager’s desire for freedom peaks, grandparents can be a stabilizing presence. Parents can turn to their own parents for wisdom. Teens can turn to Nana or Papa for unconditional love. Everyone benefits.
A Few Caveats
Of course, this grace vs. rules comparison involves some sweeping generalizations. Parents express lots of grace and love in their role, just as God does throughout the Old Testament. And grandparents absolutely need to support boundaries and rules; there are plenty of commands in the New Testament too. This insight is about general tendencies, and I hope you find it motivating and clarifying as a grandparent, like I have.
Also, some grandparents don’t get to fully experience this grace-filled approach to grandparenting because circumstances have called them back into the parenting role, where they have to be the ones concerned with structure and discipline and homework. They’re grateful to see their grandkids every day, but there’s also a hint of sadness because they’re missing out on some parts of that special relationship.
If that’s you, thank you for the sacrifice you’re making. You’ve stepped into one of the most demanding roles imaginable. And even in the midst of it, grace can still find a way through.
Whatever your situation, there’s something beautiful about arriving at this stage of life and discovering that the role waiting for you feels more like grace and joy than structure and responsibility. You’ve done the hard work of parenting, and now you get to offer something different — your presence, encouragement, unconditional love.
Enjoy them. Keep finding ways to share them.
How has your role as a grandparent felt different from your years as a parent? Share your thoughts on our Facebook page.
