by Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD, LPC
Take a moment and think back to when you were around the age of twelve, in sixth or seventh grade. Can you recall any happy interactions that still bring a smile to your face? Maybe it was something said to you by an awesome teacher or an inspirational coach, perhaps they were encouraging words from a best friend or one of your parents.
When I think back to sixth grade, one particular memory comes to mind. It was that awkward stage when the transition from being a little kid to a big kid was just beginning. And for us girls this tends to be a challenging time because the infamous female pecking order starts coming into full force with a vengeance. And much of that hierarchal order is tied to popularity where the most powerful and influential girls have the cutest clothes, the most number of friends, and they tend to receive the most attention from boys.
For me, it was in that confusing season that my best friend decided to choose a new best friend. I was devastated. I didn’t have a clue as to why I was being rejected. But that’s when a miracle happened. A girl named Nancy appeared out of nowhere at summer camp. She not only dried my tears, but she told me that she wanted to be my new best friend and she liked me for me. That’s when things started taking a turn for the better.
I can’t believe that decades later I still remember the impact of Nancy’s affirming words when she told me she wanted me to be her best friend. Proof of the powerful effect is that we remained BFF’s for years.
It’s amazing how the words we speak have the power to hurt or the power to heal.
When it comes to understanding the heart needs of your grandchild, never underestimate the power that your words have to influence them as you express why they are worth loving and choosing.
Even this week in my counseling office I sat with a client (whom I’ll call Grace) as she sobbed while sharing about her still-existent pain over the loss of her grandmother two decades earlier. With tears pouring down her cheeks she said, “she was one of the only people who has ever truly understood me and loved me, and I still miss her.” As an introverted little girl, Grace struggled to make friends, but it was her grandmother who accepted her and enjoyed her, all while speaking life-breathing words of affirmation at a time when she needed to know that she was okay just the way she was. Her grandma’s love made her believe she was enough and she was okay.
When it comes to understanding how your grandchild is wired, especially in relation to verbal interactions, you might find it interesting to learn that girls have many more “communication events” per day than boys do, as noted by Dr. Louann Brizendine in The Female Brain. This means that a granddaughter is impacted by more than just what you say because she’s also responding to how you say it.
Not only that, but girls also use more words per day compared to boys (I know this is a big shock to all of you men!), and they remember more words than boys do. This is how our different brains are wired.
In relation to your granddaughter, these factors underscore the importance of intentionally speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative. As a grandparent, you have the privilege of countering all the destructive messages she’s receiving when she’s not with you — about her body, her gender, her abilities, her intelligence, her skills, etc.
As a grandparent, your words have the power to inspire, encourage, comfort, challenge, affirm, lead, and console.
In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your grandchild is characterized most by:
- not speaking (which is neutral and therefore falls short of being positive).
- speaking negatively to her or criticizing her.
- regularly communicating words of life to her.
(And while I’m focusing mostly on granddaughters here, grandsons need these words too — even if they show it differently.)
If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your grandchild, start today by choosing to consistently speak words of life to her every single time you’re with her.
Better yet, why not stop what you’re doing right now and call, FaceTime, text, email, or write a note (as you know, when you take the time to put something in your own handwriting, it makes it extra meaningful and can be saved forever). Tell her specific things that you love about her, adding that you are thankful that you get to be her grandparent. It might look a little bit different with a grandson — he may not respond or express himself the same way — but he needs to hear it just as much.
You might have no idea what kind of week your grandchild has had, and your words might be just what they need to lift their spirits and get them through the day. I guarantee that they’ll hold on to them because when Grandma or Grandpa speaks, words matter.
Your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Choose today to leave a lasting legacy by being the positive, life-breathing voice in your grandchild’s head — whether that’s a granddaughter or a grandson.
Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield is a licensed professional counselor of more than 30 years, founder of The Abba Project, a 6-month group forum for dads of daughters (ages 13 to 30), and author of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart (both available on Amazon and Audible). She also hosts the award-winning “The Dad Whisperer” podcast, which you can access on her website, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts. Visit drmichellewatson.com for more information and to sign up for her weekly Dad-Daughter Friday blogs. You can also follow or send feedback on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
