by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
There’s a moment most of us know well. The grandkids are heading home after a weekend with us, and we’ve sent them off with candy in their pockets, a new toy in the bag, and a bedtime that was — let’s be honest — more of a suggestion than a rule. We wave goodbye with a grin. That’s what grandparents are for. Spoiling the grandkids is our joy and privilege.
And there’s real truth in that. The grandparent-grandchild relationship has its own wonderful flavor, and some of what makes it special is the sense that different rules apply at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. “What happens at Grandma’s stays at Grandma’s,” as the saying goes.
But most of us have also wondered, at some point, whether we’re pushing it too far. Are we actually helping our grandkids — or just making things harder for their parents? Are we building a real relationship, or just buying affection one treat at a time?
Two honest questions can help us find the balance.
Question 1. Does it bother the parents?
This one matters more than we might want to admit. In most cases, the parents are ultimately responsible for our grandchildren’s health, habits, and well-being — and our role is to support them, not undermine them.
Think of the parents as the “gatekeepers” of our grandparenting relationship. When we honor their boundaries and reinforce their routines, something good happens: they trust us more. They feel supported rather than second-guessed. And that trust tends to open doors — more visits, more time, more opportunity to invest in our grandchildren’s lives.
But when parents have to spend the drive home undoing what happened at Grandma’s — managing a sugar crash, resetting expectations about screen time, or re-establishing the homework routine — we’ve made their already demanding job harder. And naturally, they won’t be excited about letting it happen again.
It doesn’t have to be that way. A simple conversation with the parents can change the whole dynamic, asking questions like: “What boundaries are you working on right now? How can I reinforce those when the kids are with me?” When we position ourselves as their allies rather than their competition, everyone wins. Especially the grandkids.
Question 2. What’s the focus of our time with the grandkids?
Here’s the deeper question — and the one worth sitting with. When our grandchildren are with us, what are we really offering them?
For many of us, gift-giving comes naturally. There’s an almost indescribable joy in watching a grandchild’s face light up over a new toy, a special outing, an unexpected treat. We’d do nearly anything to see them happy. And that impulse is beautiful; it comes from love.
But we have to make sure that “spoiling” isn’t the primary way we’re relating to our grandkids. Because children are perceptive. They notice, perhaps more than we realize, whether the adults in their lives are genuinely curious about them — their thoughts, their fears, their dreams, what made them laugh this week — or whether the relationship is mostly transactional.
A grandchild who gets excited about coming over because of the gifts will eventually, quietly, sense that something deeper is missing. But a grandchild who knows that Grandpa actually listens? That Grandma remembers the name of her best friend and asks about her? That grandparent has influence that no amount of candy can buy.
The good news is that real connection doesn’t require much. It might look like sitting on the floor and asking about the game they’re playing instead of just watching. It might be writing a note — not a text, an actual handwritten note — that says, “I’ve been thinking about you and I’m proud of who you’re becoming.” It might be asking the question no one else thinks to ask: “What’s something that’s been hard lately?” and then actually listening to the answer.
Those are the moments that stick. Those are the moments that shape a child’s sense of who they are and how much they matter.
The bottom line is this: there’s no such thing as too much genuine love.
We can’t over-encourage, over-affirm, or over-invest in a real relationship with our grandchildren. The kind of spoiling that leaves kids feeling truly seen and known — that’s the kind we can give freely, without reservation.
It’s the other kind — the kind that substitutes gifts for presence, treats for time, and fun for real connection — that we want to keep in check.
How do you “spoil” your grandkids in the right way? We’d love to hear your ideas. Join the conversation on our Facebook page.
This was adapted from Dr. Ken Canfield’s book, The HEART of Grandparenting.
