by Dr. Ken Canfield

Many years ago, I made weekly visits to an elderly grandmother-figure in my life named Rose. This continued for several years, and whenever I stopped by the care center where she lived, I expected to hear a story or two from her life that took place forty or fifty years in the past. I’m sure I heard some of her stories dozens of times.

And for all grandparents, I hope you tell stories to your grandkids. Even if you’ve told some of them before, they need to hear about who you are, what you have done, and what you believe in. But this isn’t about telling stories as much as …

Grandparent Grandchild Relationship; Importance of Listening to Grandchildren; Building Trust with Grandchildren

The importance of really listening to our grandchildren.

You see, one day as I was listening to Rose tell her stories, I noticed that she was watching me closely. Even more than she was concentrating on telling her story, she wanted to see if I was still engaged in what she was saying.

Rose was the grandparent in that example, but I’m sure you’ve noticed that children are often like that too. Our grandkids like to share their stories and ideas with us, especially if it’s been a few weeks or months since we’ve seen them. They might be excited to share some news or catch us up on what they’ve been doing, and it’s a privilege to be in those situations where they’re eager to communicate with us.

Yes, it can be challenging for us after those first few moments when they keep talking … and talking. Maybe they’re describing details about people we don’t know or a new toy or phone app that we know nothing about. Maybe they’re chasing a topic that seems irrelevant or unimportant to us. Maybe their thoughts are inaccurate, or shallow, or silly, and it doesn’t seem worth the effort to follow along and try to understand, much less gently correct something they have said.

So here’s an important thought to keep in mind:

The value of what they’re saying might be less in what is said, and more in the saying of it.

What does that mean? Here’s another example from my years as a father. When my children were young, my fourth child, Micah, was a real storyteller. We’d be driving home from a movie and he’d sit in the back of the van retelling the entire plot, even though we were all there in the theater with him just minutes before. Sometimes he’d even give me another recap the next day. I eventually learned that by listening to my son’s reruns of the events in the movie, as monotonous as they were, I communicated that I care for him and I’m interested in him. That’s what mattered to him more than the details of his story. Like Rose, he was happy that he still had my attention and that I kept listening.

One of the great things about grandparents is that many of us have a slower, less scheduled life compared with many other people in our grandkids’ lives. That means we can give them all the time and attention they want—as long as we have the energy to do so. We can listen to a long and detailed story without getting distracted (at least for a while). It’s a great gift to our grandchildren that we’re uniquely equipped to give.

What’s even better, as a grandchild learns that we’ll stay engaged during his drawn-out stories, that’s a great way to build trust in that relationship. Chances are he’ll be more likely to share his life with us later on, when he may be experiencing other, more significant victories, challenges and decisions.

When we actively listen to our grandchildren, we say “I love you” without even speaking a word.

Keep listening, grandparents.

How have you learned to listen better when relating to your grandkids? Please help other grandparents by sharing an insight on our Facebook page here.