by Dr. Ken Canfield

A few years back, my wife and I accompanied my mother to a workshop about family history. My mother, then in her 80th year, was especially interested in learning ways to capture her history and pass her heritage on to her children and grandchildren.

Beyond the useful information, for me the experience also reinforced how much my heritage is built upon my parents’. My mother faced numerous challenges in her early life. She was a ward of the state at age nine and spent seven years in an orphanage, separated from her mother and three siblings. She would later reconnect with some family members, but she still has no knowledge of what happened to her younger sister.

I had never heard many of her stories from those years, and until that day I hadn’t fully grasped that some big areas of her early life were still largely unexplored. As she listened to the speaker and went through the exercises, I couldn’t help wondering: Was that painful for her, or therapeutic, or some of both? Later that day she shared some of her memories with me, and knowing more of her story has helped me not only grow in my love and respect for her, but also understand and empathize with her more.

There’s an important truth here for all of us as we process our past and seek to pass on a positive heritage to our grandchildren:

There is dignity in every heritage.

Maybe your story is much different from mine or my mother’s, but every family has skeletons of some kind in the closet—imperfections, unresolved issues, and deficits. And for some, it’s easy to look at our past or our current circumstances and focus on the negative.

Some of us have been through hardships or suffering through no fault of our own, and there may be good reasons to feel like we’ve been dealt a bad hand in life. Or maybe something we’re facing right now gives us a good excuse to complain, whether it’s a health issue, a broken relationship, financial hardship, or something else. We’ve all made our share of mistakes, and maybe we have deep regrets about past behaviors or habits—like maybe alcoholism, infidelity, dishonesty, criminal activity, and so on.

For me, the word dignity captures a pervasive attitude that we need to maintain as we strive to stay positive and unwavering. We’re doing our best despite the mistakes and challenges.

No matter how dreadful things may have been in your past or how challenging your situation may be right now, there are always reasons to have hope. Your grandchildren should be constant reminders of that. And even if you have to look very hard to find them, there are surely one or two positive, life-giving qualities about your family history. The old saying applies well here: “Chew up the chicken and spit out the bones.”

How do you want to be known or remembered when you’re gone?

Okay, so we all have challenges and issues. As grandparents, it’s incumbent on us to look forward, realizing that we still have opportunities to build a positive heritage. We can’t afford to remain stuck in a pessimistic way of life. Sometimes we may need to talk about difficult and dark times in our lives so that family members don’t repeat our mistakes, but even then we can be positive: Sure, there’s pain or evil in my heritage, but I am working hard to replace it with good.

My friend Landon was abandoned by his father during childhood. As an adult, after thirty years of no contact, Landon heard that his father had passed and he decided to attend the funeral. He drove to the service with great trepidation, suppressing his anger and not knowing what to expect.

When Landon arrived, he picked up a bulletin and learned that his father had remarried and had other children. It was very difficult to sit through the funeral service and listen to his unknown half-siblings speak glowingly about their father—and his. Several times he wanted to jump up and say, “Excuse me, but you’ve got this all wrong. This guy you are talking about left me and my mom; he never called, never paid child support, barely acknowledged my existence. He was a jerk!”

Of course, he didn’t do that; he didn’t even get up and quietly leave the service. Instead, Landon settled in, listened to what was being said, and experienced a painful but powerful paradigm shift. He began to realize that the stories and descriptions he heard were also part of his heritage, and he needed to deal with his own deep-seated anguish and learn to forgive and let go. Something supernatural had to occur, because he was now a heritage maker and didn’t want to stay stuck in the abandonment and pain. That wasn’t how he wanted to be remembered by his children and grandchildren. They deserved better.

The first few years were very difficult, with lots of ups and downs as he processed various issues with help from his wife and others. But today he truly feels free. Instead of denying his family heritage, he uses it as motivation to give his own children—and now his first grandchild—something much better.

Looking forward …

Like Landon, we can all turn our attention to the coming generations and seek to instill positive character traits in them—whether they are qualities passed down from family or ones we developed or learned to appreciate in some other way. We all have good things to pass on to our children and grandchildren, and that should continue to give us confidence and purpose.

What are you uniquely equipped to instill in your grandchildren? What do you want them to remember about you? Focus on attributes, behaviors and virtues that are important to you, and stay positive! Your resiliency will speak volumes and add dignity to your heritage.

How have you found healing from the past? And how have your grandkids been part of a better outlook for the future? Share your experiences with other like-minded grandparents on our Facebook page here.