by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
As a grandparent, you can’t help but have desires and dreams for your grandkids. And if you’re anything like me, it’s tempting to get carried away and push your suggestions and opinions on their parents about what’s best for their children.
But before trying to exert your influence, remember that every married couple needs to create a new, unique family of their own. That principle — sometimes called “leave and cleave” — comes from Scripture, and it’s just as important today as it ever was. It means their family unit is primary now, not ours. Being the mom or dad is their role and responsibility, and we need to acknowledge that and respect them, even when we disagree with their approach. The same applies in single-parent situations.
So here are two important “rules” for how to deal with our own ideas about their parenting:
1. Wait for the parents to ask for advice.
We need to give our adult children the freedom to parent, to figure things out, and even to make mistakes and learn from them. So take a step back, give your kids room to be parents in their own way, and keep looking for ways you can encourage them. You may not always agree with their approach — whether it’s screen time limits, bedtime routines, or how they handle homework — but it’s important to respect their right to choose their own parenting style.
I know a grandmother who bit her tongue for months about her grandchildren’s tablet use. She thought they were on screens too much, and she wanted to say something. But she didn’t. Instead, she stayed positive and encouraging whenever she was with them. A few months later, her daughter called and asked, “Mom, how did you handle TV time when we were kids? We’re trying to figure out what’s reasonable.” Because she hadn’t pushed, her daughter came to her and she was able to share — because she was asked.
Generally, think in terms of influencing them with your example and hold your opinion until they ask for it. If you’re mostly positive and encouraging, they’ll be much more likely to come to you when they have a question or face a difficult situation. And even if they ask, make sure they really want to hear your suggestions and they aren’t just venting their frustrations. Most of all, your goal should be to help them be the best parents they can be — whether they parent your way or theirs, and even if their way is nothing like yours.
2. Share observations of the grandkids with no strings attached.
Because of your years of experience and the perspective you have from not being in their home 24/7, you will see things in your grandchildren’s lives and character that the parents may not see. Telling them at an appropriate time and speaking with love can be a big benefit to the parents.
When our kids were young, our youngest son spent a weekend visiting my parents. When we picked him up, my dad commented on the slight stutter in his speech. In the middle of raising five kids, we hadn’t paid that much attention to it, but on the drive back home, Dee and I talked and decided to take him to a speech specialist. Sure enough, some simple tests confirmed what my son’s grandfather had observed, and we took steps to help him learn to speak more clearly.
When a grandparent’s observations are shared in a positive and supportive manner, everyone wins. The key here is knowing when to stop talking: provide useful information without adding unsolicited advice or exerting pressure on the parents to respond in a certain way. Your input can be valuable, but leave it up to the parents to decide on the best course of action, if any. Share it once, then step back. If they want your opinion, they’ll ask.
A Word About Difficult Situations
Most of the time, we’re talking about differences in style or preference — not danger. But there are situations where parents truly are struggling, and the children may be at risk. These are painful and complex, and they require wisdom, not haste. If you find yourself in that place, seek out trusted counsel before taking any drastic steps. And even then, your steady encouragement and presence may make more difference than you expect.
The Long Game
Holding back isn’t easy — especially when you see something and want to help. But restraint now often leads to influence later. When your adult children know you respect their role, they’re far more likely to welcome your input when it really matters.
Your goal isn’t to be right. It’s to stay close and to be the kind of grandparent they want to turn to.
What wisdom have you picked up about how to respond to your adult children as parents? Share your thoughts on our Facebook page.
