by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
A few years back, I was playing with some of my grandchildren at a swimming pool. It was great fun, but I couldn’t help noticing that my grandson was being rough and aggressive in ways I hadn’t seen before — and his sisters were bearing the brunt of it.
Later, I mentioned to his parents that it might be good to get him involved in something physically active like Taekwondo or an organized sport. He may need a healthy place to get that drive out of his system.
Of course, it was up to his parents to act on my suggestion … or not. That’s their call. My role is to make observations and keep playing with and praying for those incredible grandkids.
Why Grandparents See What Parents Miss
Because of our years of experience and the perspective we have from not being in their home 24/7, we often notice things in our grandchildren’s lives and character that busy parents might miss. That’s not a criticism of them — it’s simply the gift of distance and a different vantage point.
My own father did something similar years ago. During a weekend visit, he pointed out a slight issue in our youngest son’s speech — something my wife and I had missed while raising five kids. We took his observation seriously, saw a specialist, and got our son the help he needed.
When a grandparent’s observations are shared in a positive and supportive manner, everyone wins.
The Key: Say It Once, Then Step Back
Here’s where many of us struggle. The key is knowing when to stop talking. We can provide useful information without adding unsolicited advice or putting pressure on the parents to respond in a certain way. That part is their decision.
My good friend Dr. Judd Swihart puts it well: When we were parents, we were focused on boundaries, expectations, and training up our children. But when we are healthy, mature grandparents functioning well in the family, one of our roles is to fall in line with the guidance the parents have established.
We play a valuable role, but we’re helpers. Yes, we grandparents are second fiddle — and that’s okay. (Of course, if you’re raising grandchildren full-time, you’ve stepped back into the role of primary authority. That’s a different calling — and an important one.)
What Happens When We Overstep
Not every grandparent gets this right. I’ve seen situations where a grandfather watched his step-grandchildren carefully and decided he was going to help straighten up their manners and behavior. He frequently interrupted them with lessons about how to behave, then called his son afterward to report what he’d observed.
But for the son, it stirred up old wounds after growing up feeling scrutinized and corrected almost constantly. And so, over the next several years, he rarely came to visit — and when he did, he didn’t bring the children.
If we don’t allow our children to be the parents, conflict is inevitable.
Your Observations Are a Gift
Here’s the encouragement I want to leave you with: what you notice matters. Your perspective is valuable. But the best way to offer it is with no strings attached — mention it once (maybe twice if it really weighs on your heart) then step back and trust the parents to take it from there.
If you’re generally positive and encouraging, they’re much more likely to come to you when they have a question or face a difficult situation. And that’s exactly where we want to be.
What’s one observation you’ve shared with your grandchild’s parents — and how did it go? Join the conversation on our Facebook page.
