by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
Imagine sitting at the family dinner table, watching your grandchild reach for a third helping of dessert. It’s especially noticeable since he barely touched his vegetables. You can’t help it; your instinct kicks in and you pipe up with a comment or suggestion about your grandson’s diet or his parents’ relaxed approach.
Maybe your comment slips out without much forethought, or maybe you count to ten and do your best to use a positive tone when you speak. You certainly have good intentions, after all. From your perspective, you want what’s best for your grandchild and you’re just trying to help.
But what if his parents see it very differently and your well-meaning comment doesn’t have the desired effect? What if they don’t value your time-tested wisdom about what’s best in that situation? What if your words create a rift instead of being received with gratitude?
As grandparents, we’re wired to protect and guide, yet our unchecked criticism and unsolicited advice can erode the very relationships we cherish. How can we navigate this common pitfall and transform potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding?
This is the second installment in my seven-part series on building a Grandparenting Skills Portfolio. Drawing from timeless wisdom and practical insights, the portfolio includes four essential callings — such as being a cheerleader, as I discussed in part one — and three key challenges that grandparents face.
Criticism stands as the first of these challenges — and “criticism” might seem harsh because, as I mentioned, usually it stems from our desire to help and share our wisdom. But to our adult children it can feel judgmental or overbearing. By addressing this challenge head-on, we can pave the way for stronger family bonds and model resilience for the next generations.
Here are 3 suggestions to help you overcome criticism:
Reevaluate your past and your priorities.
It starts by reflecting on your own history and pondering questions like, Where did I first encounter criticism in my family of origin? Maybe it was a parent nitpicking your homework or a sibling mocking your choices. Maybe those kinds of memories still echo and affect how you respond today. If you were constantly corrected as a child, maybe it feels “right” to continue that with your children and grandchildren, like commenting on their messy room during a visit.
Once you become aware of that tendency, it’s a matter of shifting your priorities more toward maintaining positive relationships over sharing your opinion or being “right.” Ask yourself repeatedly: Is it more vital to win an argument about my grandchild’s diet or screen time habits, or to maintain a warm, open bond?
Remember that your authority has evolved from a parent to more of a mentor — someone who influences through relationship. That shift can be liberating and empowering. Embrace this by committing to small changes, such as pausing before speaking and choosing empathy first. This self-awareness fosters humility, allowing you to influence positively without alienating loved ones.
Replace criticism with curiosity.
Humility should show up in how we relate to our grandkids’ parents going forward. After all, we weren’t perfect parents and we’re works-in-progress as grandparents; we don’t see everything that happens in our grandkids’ lives, and we don’t have all the answers. Our goal should be to offer advice only when invited, and to focus instead on listening and validation, which are less threatening ways to address concerns. So, instead of jumping in with “You shouldn’t let them stay up so late,” try asking, “What’s working well with their bedtime routine?” A curious approach honors the parents’ priorities, like balancing work and family, and builds trust.
Picture a scenario where your adult child shares a parenting struggle. Rather than jumping in with advice, practice active listening: nod, empathize with phrases like “That sounds tough,” and validate their efforts. One grandmother used this approach to transform the entire dynamic with her daughter-in-law, who was defensive at first but eventually started seeking out her input voluntarily. By holding back unsolicited advice, you create space for genuine dialogue and strengthen your role as a supportive ally rather than a critic.
Cultivate flexibility, forgiveness, and a prayerful mindset.
These are big factors when it comes to learning to bite your tongue when necessary and tame the impulse to be critical — like when your teen grandchild dyes her hair a wild color, resist the urge to judge and instead celebrate her self-expression, realizing that it’s likely just a passing phase.
Being adaptable is key when family decisions clash with your hopes, like if they make holiday plans that don’t include some of your long-held traditions. Keep responding with grace. Grow thicker skin and be difficult to offend. Let forgiveness rule your heart and your actions even when you feel dismissed or unappreciated.
If you’re a praying grandparent, turn critical thoughts vertical by converting them into prayers. You might even commit a Bible verse like Ephesians 4:29 to memory: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Keep repeating prayers like this every day until a breakthrough comes — even if the only change you notice is inside you. Maybe it will also help to write down and date your prayer concerns, so you can better watch for God’s answers. This ongoing forgiveness and spiritual discipline not only curbs criticism but invites divine intervention and opens up the possibility of turning challenges into testimonies of growth.
As you implement these steps, remember: grandparenting is about legacy, not perfection.
Start today — reflect on one critical pattern, pray that verse, and choose curiosity in your next interaction. It’s better for your own peace of mind and you might inspire your family with the kind of grace that echoes for generations.
Stay tuned for part three next week, where we’ll dive into the next calling: being a caretaker. You can get a brief overview of all 7 aspects of the Grandparenting Skills Portfolio here.
How are you doing in this area? Has a critical spirit or unsolicited advice affected your relationships with your adult children and grandchildren? Share your experiences and tips on our Facebook page here.
