by Dr. Ken Canfield
Some years ago, researchers identified six qualities that build strong families. And while parents play a primary role with your grandkids, we grandparents have unique opportunities to model and reinforce these values. If we have regrets from our years as parents — and we all probably do to some degree — this is like a second chance to do better and set a positive tone for our extended family.
Here are the 6 qualities and how you can bring them to life as a grandparent:
Commitment: Show Up with Purpose
A grandparent’s commitment shows up in his or her priorities maybe most of all. This means believing that God has a good reason for giving you these mature years, and it isn’t about moving to warmer climates or traveling the world — although those can be good. Most of all, these years are for investing in our children’s children. We’re here for a purpose, and it’s big and rewarding and important. Maybe the highest form of this commitment is seen in grandparents who make extraordinary sacrifices to care for their grandchildren full-time.
Actionable Ideas:
- Schedule regular video calls or virtual game nights if distance is a factor.
- Plan a “grandparent-grandkid day” with activities like baking, gardening, or playing an online game together.
- For significant sacrifices, like caregiving, seek community resources or support groups to stay balanced.
Spending Time Together: Make Memories, Big or Small
These investments don’t have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as including them in something you’re doing or going outside with them to play, visiting a museum or taking a class together. You might even take them along on a road trip, where you’ll experience more unplanned memories and conversations. Those informal times can be the best of all.
Actionable Ideas:
- For younger grandkids: Read a story together or play outside.
- For teens: Try a shared hobby like photography or a road trip with open-ended conversations.
- Use tech: Play a multiplayer game or create a shared playlist for a road trip.
Expressing Appreciation: Build Them Up
Whenever I’m with my grandchildren, I’m always looking for ways to bless them, build them up, and make their day a little bit better. One way to do that is to just express how much I appreciate them. What I’ve found to be effective is to be specific.
How does that sound? You might say to your granddaughter, “I appreciate the way you care for your sister,” “I appreciate your smile,” or, “I admire your decisive thinking.” Be observant and then make a comment about something positive and specific. Your granddaughter will beam with joy when she knows that you’re watching and that you really care.
Actionable Ideas:
- Be ready with a word of praise, and try to be specific: “Your creativity in that drawing is amazing!”
- Pair praise with a question to spark connection, like, “How did you come up with that idea?”
- Small gifts, like a journal for a budding writer or a plant for a nature-loving grandkid, can show you care.
Good Communication: Keep the Lines Open
Intentionally seek to keep communicating with your children and grandchildren about everything. Occasionally that should include some high-level discussions about your life goals and purpose. Lay out clearly what’s most important to you and even get specific about how you hope to live out your priorities in your family. Talk about your plans and goals and the reasoning and values behind them. It won’t guarantee peace, but it will increase your chances.
Actionable Ideas:
- Start a “life lessons” chat during a walk or drive, sharing a story from your past.
- Ask open-ended questions: “What’s something you’re excited about right now?”
- Approach more serious issues gently, like, “I know things can feel heavy. Want to talk about what’s on your mind?”
Religious Involvement: Pass Down What Matters
If your faith is important to you, then you probably want to pass it on through the generations. It can be tricky with grandchildren, especially if their parents take a different approach on some issues. But one great objective is to simply live out your faith in front of them, so they are left with many memories of what that looks like. One great example is simply letting them listen as you pray.
Actionable Ideas:
- Invite them to join a family tradition, like a holiday meal or a community service event.
- Share stories about how your beliefs have shaped you.
- If their family takes a different approach to faith, you may have to change your approach. But you can still be a positive influence.
Problem-Solving Skills: Be a Peacemaker
With all the challenges today’s children and families face, they need a source of steady support. Every family is far from perfect, and we are in a great position to be reconcilers. Instead of getting drawn into pettiness and disrespect, we have to stay humble, draw on our years of experience and wisdom, and be peacemakers. Sometimes that will mean seeking forgiveness for something we have done.
Actionable Ideas:
- Teach conflict resolution by example: “I’m sorry I got frustrated. Let’s work this out together.”
- Share a story of how you solved a problem in your life to inspire resilience.
- Offer a safe space for grandkids to vent without judgment, especially about challenges they may be facing.
Next Steps
I realize that each one of these qualities deserves an entire book to do it justice — and you can probably find books that cover each one. Try choosing one to focus on this month, and then set a specific goal, like planning a game night or writing a note of appreciation to each grandchild.
By living out these qualities you aren’t just strengthening your family, you’re creating a legacy of love and connection for generations to come.
These 6 are based on research, but there are also unique approaches and habits that work in different families. What makes a difference for you when it comes to building a strong family? Share some wisdom with other grandparents on our Facebook page here.
