by Jay Payleitner
adapted from his book, A Grand Way to Live
The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we all can agree so vehemently about? I don’t think so. —Nora Ephron*
Lead with love.
As a grandparent, that’s the best advice you will ever get when approaching a holiday gathering and anticipating tensions, squabbles, sibling rivalry, and hurt feelings among your children, grandchildren, or extended family.
Strategies for applying love are numerous and multifaceted. Patience. Celebrate small victories, such as just getting everyone in the same room. Model humility. Extend grace. Don’t add fuel to the fire. Avoid triggers that might lead to giant conflagrations. Reinforce meaningful traditions. Focus on gratitude.
Don’t attempt to play referee.
You really can’t because there are two (or more) sides to each story, and you can’t play favorites. If you find yourself in a calm conversation with one of the warring factions, then mostly listen. The most you can probably do is request a favor: “Dear one, this weekend, when we’re all together, can you dial down the tension and maybe sprinkle in a little grace?” If that request receives a hint of acceptance, you might even seek out a similar conversation with other relatives who are carrying a grudge.
One hope-filled strategy is to celebrate the youngest members of the family. Even if adult siblings aren’t speaking, they can still appreciate the innocent antics of nieces, nephews, younger cousins, and grandkids. Babes in arms, toddlers, and kindergartners can be a distraction and even have a soothing effect on adult tensions.
As the patriarch or matriarch of the family, you are in a unique position to focus on gratitude and God’s faithfulness. Even though some members of the next generation may be putting walls up against religion, you can still find winsome ways to bring God into the equation. Although Christian holidays have been largely secularized, the history and meaning of Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas remain valid. Don’t apologize for giving thanks to the Creator for the turkey and stuffing. Plan all the popular Christmas traditions, making sure to include a group reading from Luke chapter 2.
Again, lead with love.
Read more from Jay at Grandkids Matter here.
Jay Payleitner is a best-selling author of A Grand Way to Live, Hooray for Grandparents! and more than a dozen other books on marriage, family, and doing life right, including 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad, 52 Things Wives Need from Their Husbands, and What If God Wrote Your Bucket List? He and his wife, Rita, live near Chicago, where they’ve raised five great kids (and now have eight grandkids) and have loved on ten foster babies. For information on booking Jay to speak at your next event, visit jaypayleitner.com.
* Nora Ephron, I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman (Alfred A. Knopf, 2006), 6.
