by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
Valentine’s Day is here, and if you’re like most grandparents, you’ve been busy planning something special for those precious grandkids. Maybe you’ve already mailed the cards with a little money tucked inside, baked heart-shaped cookies, or picked out just the right little gifts to make them smile. Perhaps you’re planning a video call to tell each one how much they mean to you. These thoughtful gestures matter more than you know.
But while you’re expressing love to your grandchildren this Valentine’s Day, I hope you’ll also realize that you’re probably doing something even more important — something that will help shape their future relationships for years to come. I’m talking about your example.
The Power of What They See
Consider this statement from an adult woman reflecting on her grandparents:
I learned from my grandparents that relationships require not just love, but also dedication, sacrifice, strength, devotion, and prayer. Married almost 67 years before passing, they taught me what true friendship and marriage are all about. I can never thank them enough for being such an example.
That’s how modeling works. We grandparents have the privilege — and the responsibility — of helping to shape our grandkids’ values and expectations for their own future relationships. And often, we do it simply by living our lives in front of them.
Love Is More Than Romance
What makes a marriage work? As those of us who are married know so well, there are many rewards and deep satisfactions in marriage, but it isn’t always romance and roses. There’s also hard work and sacrifice in the day-to-day grind of life. At times it may test everything we are and everything we believe.
Our grandchildren need to see that. They need healthy examples of what commitment looks like when it’s tested — and what it looks like when two people choose each other again and again, year after year. As they grow older and start dating, and possibly get married themselves, they’ll appreciate what it takes to build a strong relationship, handle conflict in a positive manner, and maintain a long-term commitment to a spouse.
As that testimony above makes clear, our example will likely last in our grandchildren’s memories long after we’re gone. That’s a legacy worth building.
Let Valentine’s Day Be a Teaching Moment
This Valentine’s Day, as you shower your grandkids with love, consider letting them catch a glimpse of how you and your spouse love each other, too. Of course, these aren’t ideas just for February 14th — they’re everyday habits that can shape how your grandchildren think about love and commitment all year long. Here are a few simple ideas:
Let them see you being affectionate. A quick kiss, holding hands, or a warm hug in front of the grandkids sends a powerful message about love that lasts.
Share a story. Tell them about how you and Grandma or Grandpa met, or about a time you worked through a disagreement together. These stories become part of your family heritage.
Model kindness in the little things. Say “please” and “thank you” to your spouse. Compliment them. Ask about their day. Grandkids notice these small acts of respect.
Celebrate your spouse in front of the grandkids. “Your grandma is the best thing that ever happened to me” is a simple sentence that can shape how a child thinks about love and commitment.
Grace for the Imperfect Path
Now, it’s true that those 67-year marriages are becoming more and more rare. Maybe dedication, strength, and devotion are a far cry from what your grandchildren would see in your own relationship history. Perhaps you’ve been divorced, or maybe the grandkids have picked up some bitterness when you’ve talked about a past partner.
You can’t change the past, but you can seek to set a good example going forward. And when your grandchildren reach an appropriate age, you may have opportunities to talk about key lessons you’ve learned through the struggles. Those honest conversations can be just as valuable — sometimes even more so — than a picture-perfect example.
If you’re in a healthy relationship now, let your grandkids see it. If you’re single, you can still model what healthy relationships look like through your friendships, your respect for others, and your integrity in how you speak about the people in your life.
Your Example Is a Gift
Being a great grandparent isn’t tied to your role as a wife or husband, but a strong marriage is surely an asset that will bless your grandkids. Do all you can to be the role model they need.
So this Valentine’s Day, go ahead and spoil those grandkids with cards and treats and words of love. But remember that the greatest gift you may be giving them is something you don’t even wrap — it’s the example of a love that endures.
How are you modeling healthy relationships for your grandkids? We’d love to hear your ideas. Join the conversation on our Facebook page.
