by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
You’re scrolling through social media and you notice photos of your grandkids their other grandparents — they’re beaming at a theme park, clutching oversized stuffed animals. You know it isn’t really a big deal, but still a knot tightens in your stomach. They’re always doing fun stuff. How can I compete with that?
Suddenly, instead of savoring your unique bond with your grandchildren, you’re measuring yourself against someone else’s highlight reel.
Competition can quietly sabotage the very relationships we’re trying to nurture.
This is part 4 in my seven-part series on building a Grandparenting Skills Portfolio, a framework of four callings to embrace and three challenges to navigate. So far, I’ve explored the callings to be a cheerleader and be a caretaker, as well as the challenge of taming criticism. Now we turn to the second challenge: competition.
The instinct to compare isn’t inherently wrong — it can motivate us to grow. But when competition becomes driven by insecurity or jealousy, it distorts our priorities. Here are four ways to overcome this pitfall:
Trace the Roots of Your Competitive Instincts
Our patterns often begin long before grandchildren enter the picture. Ask yourself: Where did I first experience competition in my family growing up? Was I compared to a sibling? Those old wounds can resurface decades later.
Maybe you grew up feeling like the “lesser” child, and now you’re determined to prove your worth through grandparenting. Understanding these roots helps you respond with wisdom rather than react from old pain.
Recognize When Insecurity Drives Your Actions
Competition often masks deeper fears. Maybe you worry that living far away makes you less important. Maybe you feel less financially able to provide memorable gifts or trips.
These insecurities can lead us to cross boundaries — over-gifting to win our grandkids’ loyalty or becoming over-involved in ways that create tension with their parents. One grandfather admitted he’d been undermining his daughter-in-law’s rules, hoping his grandkids would see him as the “fun” one. Instead, it strained relationships with both generations. Ask honestly: Have I crossed a boundary that competes with my grandchild’s parents rather than supports them?
Release Comparison with the Other Grandparents
Here’s a truth we don’t always acknowledge: your grandchildren’s other grandparents may be your biggest perceived competitors. They may have more money, more time, or more access.
But your grandchildren don’t need two sets of identical grandparents. They need you — your stories, your way of listening, your faith. When you catch yourself measuring against them, redirect: What experience can I offer that reflects who I am? A nature walk, a baking afternoon, a video call where you read their favorite book — these aren’t consolation prizes. They’re gifts only you can give.
Love Each Grandchild According to Their Unique Needs
One subtle form of competition happens within our own grandparenting: treating all grandchildren exactly the same to appear “fair.” But equal isn’t always equitable.
Rather than giving identical gifts to prove you don’t play favorites, pay attention to what each child actually needs. Look for opportunities to give each grandchild experiences that help them discover their interests — tailored to who they are, not measured against siblings or cousins.
Ground Your Identity in Truth
When comparison creeps in, we need an anchor. Consider writing out Scriptures that speak to your identity — then read them before family interactions where you tend to feel “less than,” such as: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” — Psalm 139:14
You are fearfully and wonderfully made, called to a role no one else can fill. Let that truth quiet the comparison and free you to simply love.
Grandparenting isn’t a competition to win — it’s a relationship to nurture.
Start today: Identify one area where competition has crept in and take a step toward freedom. Your grandchildren don’t need you to be the “best” grandparent. They just need you.
Download the overview of all 7 aspects of the Grandparenting Skills Portfolio here.
Next, we’ll explore the third calling: being a coach.
Where do you feel the pull of competition in your grandparenting? Share your experiences on our Facebook page here.
