Maybe this message won’t apply to you at all. But a collection of incidents and comments recently came our way here at Grandkids Matter, and it all seems like more than a coincidence.
Some grandparents are just rude.
Some examples?
- A family who just returned from a cruise described their least favorite part of the experience: dealing with all the retirees who were generally impatient and impolite, and could be heard saying things like, “That isn’t how you make ravioli.”
- An older couple pulled into an accessible parking spot in front of a restaurant. Two couples were talking nearby, forcing the older couple to take a less direct path to the main entrance. As they walked by, the man couldn’t resist scowling and expressing his displeasure at the other couples being “right in our way.”
- A woman started a gym membership, and during her first few visits she was startled at how many senior men kept pestering her to finish on the piece of equipment she was using so they could have their turn. (And when she did finish, she often noticed an “aroma” as the men passed by.) Similar things happen at pickleball courts.
Let’s face it—we who are in the older generation have a reputation among some people. Maybe we’re cranky too often, or too easily offended. Maybe we speak our minds at inappropriate times. Maybe we don’t leave big enough tips. And sometimes that kind of behavior seems justified—especially given the way mature adults are often disparaged or dismissed in today’s world.
As with many situations like this, the behavior of a few is ruining it for the rest of us. Surely no one reading this matches these descriptions … right?
Don’t people just need to be more understanding of others these days? Definitely. We’re getting older—haven’t we earned the right to have a bad day now and then? Sure. And often there are underlying reasons. Sometimes how we act as we age is affected by a declining ability to regulate our emotions. Or maybe our behavior is heavily influenced by different medications we’re taking. Shouldn’t people cut us some slack? In general, yes, but remember that this affects our grandchildren as well.
While we see less-than-appealing qualities in some grandparents, let’s paint a more complete picture. It’s also true that many of us demonstrate patience and perseverance, high character, and wisdom with restraint. Peaceful grandparents are precious gifts to their grandkids and everyone else. It’s incredible to be in their presence.
There’s a bigger point here that does apply to all of us:
Much of our influence is unintentional.
Our values and our character are caught by our grandchildren even more than they are taught. Who we are—our integrity, our selflessness, our general benevolence toward others—all of that overflows into how we act all day every day. It shows up when we’re in public, at the gym, on a cruise, or with our grandchildren.
They may not see everything we do, but they can still tell who we are. Even if we’re long-distance grandparents and we only see our grandkids in person a few times a year, they know a lot about us. How we live every day makes up who we are, and it all impacts our grandkids.
So, here are a few action points to consider:
- Live in a way that sets a positive example whether or not your grandkids are with you. Stay humble and curious. Admit that you still have a lot to learn and many areas in which you can grow. Volunteer for good causes and get involved in helping others when you can. Know that it will help define who you are and the legacy you’re creating.
- Invite others into this conversation—like your spouse, your adult child, or someone else who knows you well. Ask questions like, “How do you see me?” “Do I come across as grumpy and entitled, or peaceful and easygoing?” “Am I curious and exploring or set in my ways?”
How have you seen your “unintentional influence” on your grandkids? Connect with some other grandparents about this and other topics on our Facebook page here.
