If you spend much time with your grandchildren and their parents, there’s a good chance you have experienced this uncomfortable situation—or you will soon. I’ll illustrate using a granddad named Henry.
It was a few hours hanging out together at the grandkids’ house, and Henry was soaking in every moment. Then Henry’s son asked his son (Henry’s grandson) to do a simple chore around the house, and Henry got a taste of “real life” that brought back some memories from years before when his own children were young.
The grandson complained and gave his dad some attitude, and things became very awkward for Henry. One thing led to another, emotions flared, and his son and grandson argued for over half an hour.
What do you do in those situations as a grandparent?
It can be uncomfortable for everyone, and each situation can have nuances that might sway you toward one response or another. (And sometimes grandkids get defiant when their parents aren’t around; that’s another challenge.) But in general, here are three suggestions to keep in mind:
Back up the parents first.
In the moment, Henry kept his thoughts to himself during the battle of wills between his son and his grandson. And in many cases it’s a good move to not get involved or take sides since the issue really is between them. They have a history; the adult parent may be working out something with the child that’s bigger than what you can see.
And sometimes there will be times when you’re drawn into a similar situation by a grandchild, trying to get you to take his side. Resist that temptation. You want to be your grandchild’s biggest fan and give your unwavering support, but he also needs to learn to honor his parents and respect their authority. And you respecting their authority and backing their decisions will send a powerful message.
(Of course this assumes that the parents aren’t doing something that’s unquestionably harmful for the child. There may be times when you will need to intervene, and those decisions should be approached with a lot of prayer and wise counsel from others.)
Interject your perspective very cautiously.
Once the smoke had cleared and everyone had calmed down, Henry had opportunities to speak to both of them privately—his son and his grandson. This doesn’t mean taking each of them aside to set them straight or tell them what they need to do. On the contrary, advice should be given only when it’s asked for, especially with your grandkids’ parents—even if you have insights that you’re sure would be helpful. You want to honor boundaries and avoid undermining their role as parents in any way.
But there will probably be a time when you can approach your adult child and say something like, “Hey, I know parenting is hard, and I know you’re doing your best. If you ever need anything or just a listening ear, I’m here for that. I’m praying for you and your family.” And sometimes there are unrelated issues affecting busy parents, so asking about work or other life matters could help them identify and process a related issue or habit.
And with a grandchild, it’s appropriate to find a moment to say, “Your dad loves you and wants what’s best for you. Sometimes we all need to help out to keep things going smoothly around the house.” And he may also have some frustrations at school or with friends that are affecting his attitude at home. You might be in a position to help draw that out in a positive way.
Keep following up.
You don’t want to keep bringing up an issue over and over, but it can be helpful to check in occasionally about how parent and child are getting along, or how they’re each dealing with life’s challenges and stresses in a more general sense.
As grandparents, we will sometimes find ourselves in a position to observe, encourage, and possibly assist. Let’s do so with great caution and humility, to help our grandchildren (and their parents) thrive.
How have you handled tense situations between a grandchild and his or her parents? What advice would you add? Please leave a comment and encourage other grandparents on our Facebook page here.
