by Dr. Ken Canfield
There are some special and unique characteristics about the stage of life that we grandparents are in. As a researcher, I call this stage “generativity.”
As a grandparent, I just call it a great time.
It reminds of what I often did with my own children years ago, when I took them with me to visit my friend Norm. He was administrator at a nearby nursing home, and a few years older than me. When we showed up, he’d herd all the kids into his office and close the door so he could have them all to himself. The kids didn’t mind because they knew he had a jar of chocolate candy kisses on his desk.
You probably know what I was thinking as a dad: Okay kids, just take one. But very quickly Norm would tell them, “Take all you want,” and they would each pull out five or six.
That’s a classic illustration for one big difference between being a parent and being a grandparent. As a parent, my mind raced to thoughts like:
Okay, now I’ll be dealing with five sugar-hyped kids in the van.
Their mom isn’t going to be happy about having chocolate slobber on their clothes.
Two of them didn’t even say “Thank you.”
But Norm was just enjoying the moment. He said, “Isn’t this great, kids?” and they all agreed. More than once, my daughter said about Norm, “He’s like our grandpa.” Those visits taught me early on that my kids benefitted from having other people in their lives who influenced them in different ways than I did. And the older generation was a big and positive part of that.
Generally speaking, the ways parents interact with their children can be divided into two categories: instrumentality and expressiveness. Instrumentality is task-orientation: the father and mother have a routine that provides for their children’s needs and well-being, with the greater goal of helping them to become responsible adults someday. So they teach, make rules, set up household tasks and chores, deal with behavior issues, drive kids to their events, and so on. The expressiveness side focuses on the enjoying the kids and building a stronger relationship. It says, “Let’s just have fun being together.”
Ideally, good parents balance both sides; they’re instrumental and expressive. They fulfill their responsibilities and take time to simply enjoy spending time with their kids. But honestly, most parents lean more toward instrumental because they feel the weight of their responsibility and their lives are just crazy busy; there’s just too much to stay on top of as a parent. And too often they aren’t able to focus on the fun, unstructured, enjoying-each-other times. That’s one more good reason God made grandparents.
This isn’t about blaming or shaming our grandkids’ parents. We were in those shoes. We know the stresses and challenges. They’re doing their best, and often it’s much better than we were able to do when we were parents. But sometimes there’s a gap there, and wouldn’t you know, it’s a gap that we grandparents seem perfectly designed to step into. Like my friend Norm, aren’t we all about the expressiveness and the fun with our grandkids?
All this to say: grandparents, you’re needed.
Please be sensitive and avoid going too far, where you’re spoiling your grandkids in negative ways. But you can definitely help fill their need for encouragement, affirmation, acceptance and love. They probably need more of those things than any parents can give them anyway.
So I say, get to work loving on those grandkids.
Are you naturally expressive as a grandparent? Do you see yourself helping to fill a gap for your grandkids? Please share your thoughts with other grandparents on our Facebook page here.
