by Jay Payleitner
Adapted from his book, Hooray for Grandparents!
If you’re a young grandparent, there’s a good chance that another generational layer is part of your family. Which means you’re not just a parent and grandparent, but you are also still an active son or daughter.
As you already know, watching out for the welfare of older parents can bring all kinds of stresses and expectations to your life—perhaps on a daily basis. As great-grandparents—now in their seventies, eighties, or nineties—your mother and father are passing on the generational baton.
You need to be prepared to accept it.
Many decisions and obligations beginning to fall on your shoulders have far-reaching implications. The entire extended family may be expecting you to claim your role as the focal point for gatherings and to carry on family traditions. You may get a lot of conflicting input, but ultimately the decisions regarding where and when to hold family holidays and vacations are yours.
Moreover, you likely will be making difficult decisions about your parents. That could include their living arrangements, the disposition of their old house, and their long-term accommodations. Along with that comes health care, medications, and even the task of transporting your parents and in-laws to doctors’ appointments. Plus, there are myriad financial decisions, such as establishing power of attorney and estate planning.
It’s not just time-consuming, it’s exhausting. And it’s potentially fraught with conflict between siblings and other family members. Consider yourself warned.
If you find yourself in this position, also consider yourself blessed.
You’ve been given the opportunity to give back to your parents, set some precedents, and model appreciation, devotion, and loyalty. Approaching this season of life with patience and humor will be a great gift to your entire family.
You may find yourself making regular visits to the house in which you grew up, a place to which your parents downsized, or some kind of retirement village. When possible, drag along one or two of your own grandchildren. Great-grandparents need to see evidence of their unfolding legacy. It provides a wonderful opportunity to brighten the week for all involved and it’s really okay if sometimes both the little ones and the seniors get names and relationships confused.
For your part, see if you can keep the conversation upbeat. Ask open-ended questions of your mom or dad that help uncover a few unspoken memories. Too often, time with older seniors includes idle talk about the weather or rehashing the latest physical ailments. Great-grandkids don’t want to hear that. Keep the conversation going until the family patriarch or matriarch tells a story that even you have never heard before. Don’t delay. Those memories fade when you least expect it.
Finally—and I’m sure you’ve thought of this—the way that you look after your parents will have a significant impact on the way your own children will look after you.
Bonus Tip:
There can be something just a bit magical about a six-year-old interacting with a great-grandparent. Not to reinforce stereotypes, but there’s a moment in the arc of those two life spans when a youngster may be learning new things and an octogenarian may be forgetting a few things. All of which means they can be equal companions on the road of life. Those two family members—separated by three generations—may find common ground talking about the surprising deliciousness of a dish of sherbet, the intricacy of a spiderweb, or the croaks coming from a nearby frog pond. Parents, teenagers, and most members of the family don’t have the time or patience for such silly distractions. But with a little preparation and patience, you can orchestrate those satisfying moments between your grandkids and your own parents.
Read more from Jay at Grandkids Matter here.
Have you been through something like this with your parents? What wisdom can you share? Leave a comment and check in with other grandparents on the Grandkids Matter Facebook page here.
Jay Payleitner is a best-selling author of Hooray for Grandparents! and more than a dozen other books on marriage, family, and doing life right, including 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad, 52 Ways to Connect as a Couple, and What If God Wrote Your Bucket List? His weekly podcast is called, “Getting Life Right.” He and his wife, Rita, live near Chicago, where they’ve raised five great kids (and now have eight grandkids) and have loved on ten foster babies. For information on booking Jay to speak at your next event, visit jaypayleitner.com.
